"I had concrete suicidal thoughts" - Jens Dekker ends professional career after battling with depression

Jens Dekker was one of the most promising cyclocross riders in the 2010's but the heavy toll of being a pro rider can weight very heavy. The Dutch rider made a comeback last year but after struggling with injuries and an ongoing depression, he has confirmed that he won't be returning to the sport at the highest level.

In early 2023 he announced a return to cyclocross, and talking to CyclingUpToDate before the start of the season he showed ambition and said he was putting out his best numbers. In Galicia he won two races, and finished second behind Niels Vandeputte at the HeerdestrandCross. But the week after he suffered a wrist fracture in a crash suffered at the Maasmechelen World Cup.

"Last year, I was quite classically and quite simply depressed. It’s quite difficult to explain how depression works. It’s different for everyone. It took me a lot of effort to recharge myself, to go deep every time and take risks," Dekker said in words to Wielerflits. "Suddenly it didn’t work anymore and then my world collapsed. For almost twenty years I dedicated myself to top-level sport. I suddenly noticed: I don’t want this anymore. It also suddenly stopped. It was no longer possible to compete or even get on a bike. I wasn’t thinking clearly at that moment.”

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He made a comeback in early December but at this time he began struggling quite a lot with psychological obstacles once again. “I had concrete suicidal thoughts during that training ride. After that I tried to get on the bike a few more times, even rode the Exact Cross in Essen. But I wasn't there with my mind at all. During that race it really became clear to me that it wasn't going to work anymore. And then I went into a crisis". 

He stopped competing once again, and eventually realized that it was not going to be possible to reach his best level again. "It's hard to say when I would feel optimal again. I don't think I'll ever be myself again. But I'm functioning," the Dutchman adds. "Being a top athlete is such a big part of my identity. That's not coming back. I'm now working hard to be able to handle a normal working week. I don't even know if you can ever fully recover from depression. How do I look back on the period of my comeback now, with how I got out of it? I think it was necessary for me to do it. I felt like I had no other option at the time."

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He is aware that he could potentially be close to the front again in cyclocross races, but it takes too much of a toll on his health. "Physically, I could have competed for the podium in crosses like Heerderstrand this year. I am now at peace with the fact that this is not the case. In a way, it is a bit liberating to know that I don't have to use my talent. That may sound crazy. But you can be very good at something and still say 'I'm not going to do it'. I can also talk about it now, because I am currently in a fairly safe position. This doesn't cause me any problems."

Currently he continues to be involved in the sport, coaching young riders to thrive in the discipline, and is also looking to make a stance by openly talking about his depression, in hopes that other riders also share their feelings in these moments. "I want to make this a topic of discussion. There are more people who have to deal with depression. But they probably don't talk about it, because that's not so easy."

"I would like to remove the taboo a bit. I think we should explain depression more, if that's possible of course. When you're in the middle of it, it's very difficult. That's why it's important that when you can do it like I can now, that you do it. I value the fact that this is possible. If it doesn't get in my way, I almost feel obliged to talk about it."

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