"I had concrete suicidal thoughts" - Jens Dekker ends professional career after battling with depression
Cyclocross
Jens Dekker was one of the most promising cyclocross riders in the 2010's but the heavy toll of being a pro rider can weight very heavy. The Dutch rider made a comeback last year but after struggling with injuries and an ongoing depression, he has confirmed that he won't be returning to the sport at the highest level.
In early 2023 he announced a return to cyclocross, and talking to CyclingUpToDate before the start of the season he showed ambition and said he was putting out his best numbers. In Galicia he won two races, and finished second behind Niels Vandeputte at the HeerdestrandCross. But the week after he suffered a wrist fracture in a crash suffered at the Maasmechelen World Cup.
"Last year, I was quite classically and quite simply depressed. It’s quite difficult to explain how depression works. It’s different for everyone. It took me a lot of effort to recharge myself, to go deep every time and take risks," Dekker said in words to Wielerflits. "Suddenly it didn’t work anymore and then my world collapsed. For almost twenty years I dedicated myself to top-level sport. I suddenly noticed: I don’t want this anymore. It also suddenly stopped. It was no longer possible to compete or even get on a bike. I wasn’t thinking clearly at that moment.”
He made a comeback in early December but at this time he began struggling quite a lot with psychological obstacles once again. “I had concrete suicidal thoughts during that training ride. After that I tried to get on the bike a few more times, even rode the Exact Cross in Essen. But I wasn't there with my mind at all. During that race it really became clear to me that it wasn't going to work anymore. And then I went into a crisis".
He stopped competing once again, and eventually realized that it was not going to be possible to reach his best level again. "It's hard to say when I would feel optimal again. I don't think I'll ever be myself again. But I'm functioning," the Dutchman adds. "Being a top athlete is such a big part of my identity. That's not coming back. I'm now working hard to be able to handle a normal working week. I don't even know if you can ever fully recover from depression. How do I look back on the period of my comeback now, with how I got out of it? I think it was necessary for me to do it. I felt like I had no other option at the time."
He is aware that he could potentially be close to the front again in cyclocross races, but it takes too much of a toll on his health. "Physically, I could have competed for the podium in crosses like Heerderstrand this year. I am now at peace with the fact that this is not the case. In a way, it is a bit liberating to know that I don't have to use my talent. That may sound crazy. But you can be very good at something and still say 'I'm not going to do it'. I can also talk about it now, because I am currently in a fairly safe position. This doesn't cause me any problems."
Currently he continues to be involved in the sport, coaching young riders to thrive in the discipline, and is also looking to make a stance by openly talking about his depression, in hopes that other riders also share their feelings in these moments. "I want to make this a topic of discussion. There are more people who have to deal with depression. But they probably don't talk about it, because that's not so easy."
"I would like to remove the taboo a bit. I think we should explain depression more, if that's possible of course. When you're in the middle of it, it's very difficult. That's why it's important that when you can do it like I can now, that you do it. I value the fact that this is possible. If it doesn't get in my way, I almost feel obliged to talk about it."
Read also
Exactly a year ago I broke down completely in the middle of my comeback year. I did an interview with Wielerflits about it. https://t.co/uIunl2Yn9B
— Jens Dekker (@jens_dekker) December 6, 2024
Just in
Popular news
Latest comments
- Okay, so I completely agree that cycling history has shown that gains like these have ALWAYS been fueled by doping. However, personally in this case, I really don't care. Why, because this kid is so damn nice and fun and has been a positive force in cycling. Unlike Lance, who didn't care about anyone but Lance. Am I positive he is doing? No, and I'm happy to give him the benefit of doubt because he is such a fun kid.dabman13-01-2025
- no kidding. i remember when the pro peloton had the really edgy, nasty tone to it. many will want to blame armstrong for that but it went back WAAAYYYY before him. hinault presided over a culture like that, too, and others before him. it really sucked because amateur racers would emulate the pros and when i got into the sport i remember thinking “wow, bicycle racers are the biggest a**holes on the planet.” i’m not sure what caused the pro culture to change, but that change has been cemented by the greats of the sport — pogacar, van der poel, van aert, on and on — being great SPORTSMEN who are much more inclined to congratulate than hate each other. some may miss the old “get your hate on” days. i do not.OCexile12-01-2025
- Honestly, it's not just ProTeams that are arguing this: so are fans like me. I'd love to see more feisty teams struggling for points going at it against each other. I'd love to see a Cancellara team and a Contador team (what happened to them?!) up against the biggies. I'd love to see more wins like Castrillo in the Vuelta (his first was fun, his second was great!). But I also recognize that the two tier system requires that some teams fear a loss of benefit, and others seek a gain of benefit. If everyone has the benefit, is it as important to compete for it? Cycling is weird, that's my conclusion.RidesHills12-01-2025
- To summarize many things: the peloton is often separated by mere centimeters through all sorts of terrain, road furniture, and turns (the point of saving energy is to be in the slipstream), the speeds are high from the start in every race and every stage (the points system requires points for the non-dominant teams), riders are more professional these days (there is no personal training, anymore, the team determines the workout regimen, etc.), everyone is stronger (see previous point), and younger folks are more exuberant (I have kids without fully developed frontal lobes, this is my positive spin on the situation). Asking individual riders to be safer is honestly plain old BS. What people are asking for is a change in the culture, and the culture is driven by the dividends: points and wins. Rider safety only exists within systems that honor it, and the points and wins system does not. Then again, it does in the way that some teams try for a bunch of top 10s without contesting the win, and fans hate that, which means... wins more than points... and who determines the culture? fans. My biggest gripe about putting responsibility and agency on riders is that it's a peloton, it's a team sport, it's a blob of a slipstream, and you individually cannot control what happens in front of you, you just can't. Tell me how to avoid a bunch sprint crash when you're in the wrong place at the wrong time - and nobody has an answer.RidesHills12-01-2025
- Pretty much true but then again it’s far too early, they need at least 5 years of meetings, travel and lunches to talk it through ;-) Besides, it would be near impossible to create rules and punishment for going too fast, who would decide how and when and for which rider(s)?Mistermaumau12-01-2025
- Yeah, that would be funny, as long as it doesn’t backfire and we have to wait 20 years to read about it in someone’s autobiography ;-) At least they’re not having a public go at each other like so often in the 100m sprint in athletics or Kerr and Ingebrigtsen.Mistermaumau12-01-2025
- This narrative of blaming the rider or the bicycle setup needs to stop. The issue is that the UCI has done nothing to improve the safety of the courses or punish the race organisers for the poor setup of course routes. Instead, the UCI has encouraged this alternative narrative of blaming others - need proof? UCI did nothing to punish the race organisers after the devastating crash at Itzulia Basque Country. Need more proof? UCI did nothing to improve the safety of sprint finishes after the life-changing crash of Fabio Jakobsen in Poland.Pogboom12-01-2025
- for all i know Merlier and Wout are besties and Tim just thought it would be really funny to needle his buddy — “OMG, he’s so much faster than Wout its crazy!” WTF do any of us ever know, really.OCexile12-01-2025
- But no-one is interested in slower, many would like safer so unless they can show that e.g. youth races are safer, it IS useless. It’d be more efficient to electronically limit everyone’s power output at steep gradients (down of course) or specified sections, am sure technically it isn’t that complicated or expensive but there’d be an outcry so forget it.Mistermaumau12-01-2025
- Agreed, as said here and has been superficially discussed before, it is the whole peleton and race that has gotten faster, the very best like these three, are still only winning by the same margins as elsewhere in history, they haven’t discovered any new distinguishing product. I mean, if an ageing Cavendish, Thomas and others can still deliver sometimes, nothing much can be going on.Mistermaumau12-01-2025